T W I S T E D
by the Last Flowerchild
Summary: A few weeks before Pickles' 35th birthday, Toki begins to realize that he's gay... Yes, another wonderful Pickles/Toki slash, because it's adorable.
1. Chapter 1

****WARNINGS****

**Slash, drug/alcohol usage, & bad language.  
****Yes, there will be sex. Finally. ^_^**

****DISCLAIMER****

**No thanks, I don't own any characters.  
****The idea for the plot is mine, though, so hands off.**

_**Reviews are love.**_

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"_When she sang I answered the call, oh yeah_  
_California, I'm fine somebody check my brain  
__California's all right somebody check my brain_..."

_~~Check My Brain by Alice In Chains_

**Chapter 1, Part 1**  
_**Something Wrong**_

Stupid girl. She was on top of him, panting and moaning as he kissed her. For some reason it disgusted him, made him want to vomit. Suddenly he was pushing her away, trying to calm her down, but she wasn't getting it. _This _wasn't doing it for him. _This _never turned him on, not even remotely. Lately nothing had really been turning him on—no girl, at least. Nobody. Now he was just left to let his mind wander as the stupid groupie had her way with him. Touching, kissing, fucking...whatever. Toki didn't care. She giggled, acted like the luckiest girl in the world, was completely oblivious to the fact that he had done this with five other girls today. He just smiled and closed his eyes as she pulled down his underwear. That's when his mind began to do something very odd. He couldn't help but to think that something was _missing, _something good and amazing and—hard?

He swallowed as she took his erection into her mouth, smiling stupidly. Suddenly he was picturing a very odd fantasy indeed. Toki cursed and his body became rigid as the image became clearer, burned itself into his brain. _No, _he thought desperately, trying to think of anything else other than that. _Please, not now, not again. What the hell's wrong with me?_ "Fucks." he hissed aloud as the fan girl gave him the blowjob. Her eyes flickered up and stared at him intently, with some sort of morbid curiosity.

Toki looked away immediately, ashamed at what he was thinking; he wasn't imagining a girl at all, but something _else._ Something that could fill him, make him whole, really turn him on, and make him hard... "Fuck, just stops it." he ordered, pushing her off of him. "Just gets the fucks away from me."

The girl frowned, her bleach-blond hair falling over her bare shoulders. "What? But you were just about to-"

"Gets out." he insisted, quickly trying to pull up his pants. She reached for his hand, but he recoiled from her disgusting touch and glared at her.

"Please, I don't want to be mean, buts-"

"What the fuck is your problem?" she challenged, reaching for her bra. "Are you stupid or something? Don't you know how things work? I gave up a night with Skwisgaar Skwigelf for _this?"_

"I'm sorrys." Toki said, slightly ashamed with himself. "I just can'ts—it's nots you, my mind ams just...I..."

"Forget it." she said, getting up off his bed. "Fuck you. I can't believe this. I thought you wanted sex."

"Nots from you, now gets out now, please." He watched her storm out of his room. Once he was alone he sighed and relaxed a little, laid back on his bed, and shut his eyes. He needed a drink.

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**Chapter 1, Part 2  
**_**Hostility **_

Toki came moodily into the kitchen just as the rest of the band members were sitting down to have a drink. As soon as he entered the room a thousand questions were asked of him, mostly coming from an infuriated Skwisgaar. "What the fucks ammnest your problem?" he demanded, glaring at his Norwegian friend. "I gets three sluts to goes up to your room today to fucks your brains out, and all you do is sends them away?"

"Fucks you!" was all he said as he went over and snatched the bottle of vodka that Pickles had been drinking. He stole a sip of it himself and hissed, "I don't needs you to tell me when to fucks!"

"Obvious you dos, because that ammnest the third time this week I've done this kinds of thing for you, Toki." the Swede said, crossing his arms over his thin chest. "I think we gots a problem."

"There ams no problem, dildo! Who I fucks and when I dos it isn't any of your business!" he spat hostilely, taking another deep sip from the bottle. Pickles frowned at this and tried to get the vodka back, but Toki wouldn't let him have it.

"Dude, drinkin' ain't a contest. Just give me back the booze so we can talk."

"I don't needs to _talk, _Pickle!"

"Then what the hell's your problem?" Nathan growled in his harsh voice. "You've been a total dick lately, and none of us know why. What the fuck's wro-"

"There ams not anything wrong!" he insisted. "I just ams tired of all the sluts!"

Murderface let out a groan. "Oh, I know what thish is about."

Some of Toki's anger seemed to disappear asked inquired, "You dos?"

"Yeah, it'sh about how you're shtill hung up about not finding a girl who can—what wash the thing you shaid?"

"Whats can bear my children?" he ventured to guess. The bassist nodded.

"Yeah, and it'sh okay if you can't find any girl to love you. Shometimesh we're jusht meant to be alone."

Pickles rolled his eyes. "Murderface, I don't think 'dat you're helpin' very much."

"Finds a woman?" Toki shook his head. "No, that ams not what this ams about."

"Dude, you ain't gatta lie." the drummer said, reclaiming his bottle of vodka and taking a large drink from it. "We all know 'dat you kinda feel bad 'cause things didn't work out for you and-"

"I don't wants a woman!" he howled. "I wants you guys to leaves me alone already! So what if I don't wants to screws stupid sluts no mores? How ams that your problem?"

"It ammnest my problem if you're in denial abouts it." Skwisgaar commented. "And besides, I don't thinks that you not feeling like fucking ammnest the problem."

"Then what do you thinks it ams?"

"Toki..." he began, his voice a low, concealed whisper as he leaned close to the Norwegian's ear. "...ammnest you know where things _goes?"_

"Ams I know what?"

"You knows..." he made an inappropriate gesture with his hands and repeated, "Where things _go?"_

A mortified look came across Toki's face as he pushed the Swede away. "Of course I dos!"

"Then what's your problem?" Pickles cut in, slamming his bottle down on the table in frustration. "You've been so Gad damned pissy lately that nobody even wants to be around you. How the fuck are we supposed to work on the stupid album if all you ever do is complain and get drunk?"

"Fucks you, that ams how!"

Nathan let out a loud, irritated sigh. "Look, Toki, we're just trying to help."

"Leaves me alone!" he said, glaring at them all. "I know what I ams doing and I know where everything goes!"

There was a brief moment of awkward silence before Skwisgaar suggested, "Okays, you knows how to stick your you-know-what into-sides of the ladies, so that ammnest not the problem. The problem ams just that you're horny and you haven't hads sex in a few weeks." he shrugged and said smartly, "See? I can reads you like the book, little Toki."

He stood there with his mouth open for a moment before shaking his head and replying, "No, that ams not the problem either, Skwisgaar."

"Then what ish?" Murderface demanded. "You're really shtarting to pissh me off with thish crap!"

"Fines! Fucks you all, then!" and he stormed out of the room. Once he had left, Nathan let out another annoyed sigh and glared down at his boots.

"Fuck this shit. Somebody's got to set that little prick straight."

"Abouts sex?" Skwsigaar inquired, arching a brow and grinning deviously. "I thinks if he ammnest still not clears about how _that _goes, then he needs more than ours help."

"What he needsh ish to jusht fuck a shlut or shomething." Murderface lisped. "We all get pisshy when we're horny."

"Hey guys, maybe we should leave it alone." Pickles suggested. "Maybe s'just nat our business."

Nathan narrowed his eyes at the drummer. "Are you kidding? The little fucker hasn't even been showing up to record lately, so we've had to push the date for the album back again and again..."

"Coulds takes shorter time if you just lets me records it." Skwisgaar muttered quietly. "I always just records over hims dildos playing anyways." Nathan ignored him.

"And if we don't sell any albums, then we don't make any money. _That's _when I start caring."

Pickles shrugged and drank some more. "Well all I'm sayin' is 'dat maybe nat everything should involve us. Toki's twenty years old, he can decide who he wants to fuck and when."

"But he's ruining the band!" Nathan growled. "And this is _my _fucking bad, so hell yes we're going to do something about it."

The drummer rolled his eyes and said under his breath, "Yeah, an' prob'ly make everything worse, like always."

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**Chapter 1, Part 3  
**_**Curious Desires **_

Toki sighed as he threw himself onto his bed. This really was horrible. If the others were aware of his problems, then surely they were going to intervene some way. The only issue with this was that he just didn't _want _anyone to intervene; he didn't want to have sex with any more girls, period. How was that so wrong? He just couldn't get any more enjoyment out of fucking those groupies. It was boring to him. He wanted—_needed_-something else. Something was missing.

"Heeeey, Toki. Open up the fuckin' door." a voice said from outside in the hall.

He jumped and looked up. "Pickle, ams that you?"

"Yeah, now open up. We gatta talk."

Toki couldn't help but let a small smile come across his face. Out of everyone in the house, he really did feel the closest to the drummer. He didn't know exactly why for sure, but he supposed it was because Pickles had always served as a sort of protector since the day he'd come to America; when Skwisgaar was screwing with him, Pickles would stop him. When Nathan would cut out his recordings from the album, the drummer would object. When Rockzo would make his occasional, piss-and-cocaine-smelling appearances, Pickles was there to send him away. Yes, Toki really had come to respect him more than anyone else in the world.

"Comes in." he called, sitting up in his bed. In a second Pickles was closing his door and walking over to where he was sitting, a look of concern on his face.

"Toki," he began. "We've gat a problem."

He looked down and began picking at his nails. "Ja, I knows."

"Okay, 'den why don't you start?" Pickles ventured to ask, sitting down across from Toki cross-legged. "What d'you think the prablem is?"

"I ams confused." he admitted, feeling his heart begin to race. Would he dare tell the drummer his dilemma? What would he say? More importantly, what did it _mean? _Pickles shrugged nonchalantly, not pressuring him to say anything or to remain silent. He was neutral. That's what encouraged Toki to speak. "I just haven'ts been..."

"Horny?"

He shook his head and blushed deeply. Talking about this was so damn awkward, but it had to be done, and if not with Pickles, then with who? "Is...um..." he ran a nervous hand thru his long, brown hair and let out a shaky breath. "...wells, it ams about this _things."_

"Okay. What _things?"_

"It ams a really big, confusing _thing."_

"What is it?" the drummer asked curiously. "S'it about getting married and finding a girl? A real girl that you can have a family with?"

Toki shook his head. "Nos, not exactly. I thinks...I thinks I might be..." his voice trailed off and he didn't say anything for a long while. What did it really mean if he didn't like women anymore? Did it make him—his whole face paled at the thought. Was that even a possibility, or was it a horrifying reality? What if he really was...

"F'you don't wanna talk about it, it's cool." Pickles said, sliding off the bed and slapping Toki supportively on the shoulder. "I'll see you later, 'kay? Remember that we have that session in the studio tomorrow, so try to be there, alright?"

He nodded and quickly accepted this excuse to end the shameful conversation. "Ja, sures. Thanks, Pickle."

"No big deal." and he walked over to the door. Before he actually left, he turned and added, "And if you wanna talk, we're still cool, right?"

Toki gave him a innocent little smile and nodded. "Ja, we ams."

" 'Kay. See ya." and he left, just like that.

Toki listened to his footsteps echoing in the hall outside, and once they had disappeared he let out a frustrated cry and covered his face with a pillow. How stupid he was, how god damned stupid. A large part of him craved the attention the drummer was always willing to give him, but another part of him said it was wrong and just plain weird. Toki didn't understand it, not at all, because now he wasn't thinking of kissing a girl, he was thinking of kissing _Pickles. _He cursed and threw the pillow against the wall. A warm feeling was spreading thru him now. It began in his stomach and worked its way all the way down to his-

"Fucks." he said, looking down. Now he was ready, but there wasn't any stupid girl to screw? That was just about right. The truth was that even if there had been a girl right there, he wouldn't have touched her, because all he could think about now was Pickles and his kind, caring smile.

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****A/N****

**Now that I'm back from my 'vacation', I'm re-energized and ready to get away from my family, enter my own slashy, slightly disturbing world, and resume my fanfics. Yays. Yes, it's been a looooong three days and two nights with my family. O_O Now I'm sleep-deprived and hungry for something other than Mickey D's, but oh well. Here's another Poki story. **

**In reference to the obnoxious disclaimer I typed at the top: No, I fully trust my amazing, awesome, and magically kick ass readers—love you all—not to steal my story ideas. I don't think in any way, shape or form that they would, but lately I've been noticing some...let's just say _odd happenings _going on and my confidence has been put in question...like I said before, I'm sure that nobody who reads and enjoys my fanfic would steal any of my plot ideas, but some people might be stupid, idiotic dildos who want me to report and/or block them, so yeah. There's always _that one person, _you know. -_- Please give this flowerchild some respect and love.**

**Now that all that boring rambling is out of the way, here's my usual closer—reviews are welcome and I hope you're enjoying and will continue to enjoy my story. Thanks for reading.**

**Peace, Love, & Merry Christmas**


	2. Chapter 2

"_But now it seems  
I'm just a stranger to myself  
And all the things I sometimes do  
It isn't me but someone else..."_

_~~Wasted Years by Iron Maiden_

**Chapter 2, Part 1  
**_**Years Ahead**_

To be honest, Pickles really did love Toki. He'd developed a strange sort of sweet affection towards the Norwegian the day he'd met him. The guitarist had seemed so innocent in his childish ways of thinking, so untouched by the rest of the world; despite all the fame and money, he still appeared to be that way to the drummer. Pickles knew that the band had a strict policy of not caring about each other, but he couldn't help it. Toki reminded him of everything he could've been if he were ten years younger.

Ten years...God, did that make him think. He wasn't stupid. He knew with each passing day that his birthday drew nearer—it was only a few weeks away. He also knew that this year he'd be thirty-five. Thirty-five, just a few years short of forty, and wasn't forty considered middle aged, or close to it? Pickles tried not to think about it, but the truth was that he was indeed getting old, and what did he have to show for it? Nothing. He'd made money, he'd smoked his lungs black, drank until his liver had given out, and fucked so many girls that he'd lost count, but when he died or when _Dethklok _replaced him—whichever came first—then what would he do? What would he have?

That's all he could think about as he left Toki's room and went to the kitchen to get himself a drink. It was no secret that he was full-blown alcoholic. He knew that Toki hated to see him drunk, so he tried not to get too drunk when he was in front of him. As he poured himself a shot, he sighed. What was wrong with the kid? Clearly he was having some major crisis, but there didn't seem to be anybody there to help him thru it. Pickles downed the shot and shuttered.

"Stupid kid..." he muttered, staring at the shining glass of the bottle. The last time he'd acted as withdrawn and loathsome as Toki, it had ended with him purposefully downing a whole bottle of sleeping pills and nearly dying. Would the Norwegian do something like that? No, because Pickles had never had anybody. Toki had the drummer, and at least it was _something. _

"Even though it ain't much to have me." he said with a heavy, guilty sigh. He wished he could help the guitarist, but what could he do when the kid wouldn't even look him in the eye and tell him the truth?

The kitchen door opened with a creak and Skwisgaar came in, looking uncharacteristically serious as he took a seat next to Pickles. "Hey, Pickle." he said, reaching for the bottle of booze. He took a sip from it then smacked his lips. "So, you talks to him?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Well what ammnest his problem?"

He shrugged and said hopelessly, "I dunno."

"Huh." Skwisgaar frowned and drank a little more before saying, "I woulds have thought that he would've tolds you."

"Yeah, well so did I." Pickles snapped, glaring down at the table.

The Swede chuckled. "Don't get sos worked up abouts it. We can still figures out the problem. I bet he'll tells _me _what ams the matter."

He arched a pierced brow. "Y'think so?"

"Of course. He'll tells me everythings."

Pickles scoffed. "Whatever. 'Den why don't you just go an' talk to him already?"

"I ams, I ams! Gods, you can't rush these things, Pickle. You shoulds know 'dat." and Skwisgaar pushed back his chair and got up, a smug look on his face as he gave Pickles a smile. "Don't worrys. He always talks to me."

"Sure he does."

"Sees yous later. Haves a good time gettings drunk."

"Thanks," he said sarcastically, downing another shot. "I will."

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**Chapter 2, Part 2  
**_**The First Orange Rose**_

Toki had fallen asleep in his bed and was in the middle of a wonderfully confusing dream before Skwisgaar woke him. He'd gone to sleep sprawled across his bed, an angry and unsettling look still on his face, but as the dream began to take root, his whole body relaxed and he smiled. He was alone, nervous, waiting under some arch that was overgrown with wild red, sweet-smelling roses.

The grass under him was a vibrant green, and the shade so did remind him of something...

Above him the sky was dyed an innocent enough blue, with white, full clouds lazily tainting it with their unwelcome blocking of the sun. Toki frowned and looked around. Why was he here? He had the sense that he was waiting, but why? For someone? From up above him there came a strange glowing orange light, one that grew and expanded until it had turned the whole gloriously Utopian land a warm amber color. He looked up and arched a brow.

From behind him there came the oddly accented voice of Pickles. "You didn't forget?"

"Forgets? Whats would I forget?" he inquired, turning to meet the drummer. Pickles gave him a warm, inviting little smile and reached for his hand. Toki let him take it; he didn't resist as the drummer pulled him into a close embrace and kissed his forehead.

"Pickle, what ams you doi-"

"Didn't I ever tell you?"

He took a step back, a puzzled look on his face. "Tells me what?"

To his surprise, the drummer pulled him back over into an embrace and molded his lips to his. He kissed Toki deeply and longingly, as if he couldn't get enough of him, and suddenly he was on his knees, begging for the guitarist to fuck him. Toki felt his face growing red, felt every cell in his body scream with shame but also something else. Could it be confedence? Under that beautifully pure rose arch they fucked, and when they were done Toki laid in Pickles' arms, sweating and panting. The drummer kissed him again and reached over; he plucked a rose from the white arch. Neither of them noticed the fact that the once red flowers were now a vibrant orange, almost as orange as Pickles' hair. The drummer put the rose in Toki's hair, adjusted it just so, and whispered, "Didn't I ever tell you that I love you?"

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**Chapter 2, Part 3  
**_**Painful Realization**_

"Tokis, wake your stupids ass up rights now so we cans talk." Skwisgaar said, grabbing the snoring Norwegian by his shoulder and shaking hard. He awoke with a start and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"Whats the fucks ams you doing in my room, Skwisgaar?"

"I cames to talks to you."

"I tolds you I don't needs to talk." he said defensively, turning away from the Swede and closing his eyes again. "You wokes me up; I was havings a good dream." and his face flamed at the memory of that beautiful orange rose and Pickles' delicious, naked body.

Skwisgaar sneered. "What kinds of dream? You were whisperings to yourskelf, you knows."

Toki's eyes grew wide with worry. "I was?"

"Ja," he said, nodding. "Something likes, 'Loves me. Says it, says you loves me. Please loves me...' it was kinds of pathetic, like you was beggings for it or somethings." and he sat down on the bed next to Toki and asked bluntly, not bothering to beat around the bush, "So what ammnest you was dreamings about? I bets it was sex."

Toki sat up and hugged a pillow chose to his chest. "No it wasn't! I never haves those kinds of dreams!"

Skwisgaar just chuckled and said smartly, "Don't lies to me, little Toki. You ams horny for _someone _reallys specific, I knows it."

His face fell. "How you knows? Ams it obvious?"

"Of course it is. Just looks at you—sending away groupies, beings off by yourskelf so much...you're in loves, aren't you, Toki?"

The Norwegian didn't answer this question. Instead he looked down and began to finger the pillow distractedly before mumbling, "Skwisgaar, have you ever hads any dreams about guys?"

"Whats you mean?" he asked, stretching out on the bed. "Likes dreams where I kills them or-"

"Fucks them?"

"I...uh...nos...well maybe ones or twos, but..." he cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to think of how to recover from this embarrassing admission. "I...you gots to understand something about sex—it ams really, _really _goods, and sometimes when I ams in the mood I will fucks with anyone."

"I don'ts care what yous do." Toki said curtly, his pale eye shining with shame. "It's just that haven't you ever wondered abouts it?"

"Abouts what?"

"Dosing it with another..." he swallowed and whispered, "...guys."

Skwisgaar arched a brow. "You means beings gay? Ja, sures, I guess. I've dones it, if you really wants to know."

Toki gasped. "You haves! You lets them stick you-know-whats into-side of-"

"Yes, we both know how _that _works, Tokis. You don'ts needs to gets into it." the Swede interrupted, crossing his arms over his thin chest. "Besides, it ams not something I would dos again."

"So you ams ga-"

"Nos, of course nots!" he snapped. "And if you gos around telling people, I swear I'll kills you in your sleep and-"

"I'm sorrys, I just..." Toki put some of his hair behind his ears and shrugged, confused. "Curious, I guess. Ams it good?"

"Ja, I guess. I was never on the bottoms, though, always on the tops. I never takes it. You probably woulds, though." and he paused before asking, "What ams was your dream abouts anyway? Another guys?"

"Ja," he admitted. "but I can't tells you."

"Nathans." he guessed.

Toki shook his head. "Close, but nos. Guess agains."

Skwisgaar took a moment to think before a look of utter disgust came across his face. "It ammnest me, isn't it? Oh Gods, you dreams of fuckings me and-"

Toki turned red. "No, nots yous, idiot! Don't be sos vain all the times!"

"Then whos? It couldn't have been Murderface, sos it must have beens—oh fucks no." his deep blue eyes grew wide as he took Toki's arm. "Please tells me that it wasn't abouts _him? _Pickle?" he was nearly begging, his eyes clouded with denial.

"Ja, it was." Toki said after a moment.

"That ammnest sick! He ams nearly twice your age ands his breath always smells like the alcohols!"

"I knows, but don't you think he ams..." he struggled to find the correct word before settling with, "Pretty?"

"Pretty? Now you ammnest askings me if I thinks another man ams pretty. Gods, you really do gots a problem."

"Then how do I fixes it?" he asked, pleading desperately for an answer. "Hows do I fix myself?"

"You means how do you nots be gay?"

"Ams that the word? Ams I really _gay?"_

"You dreams of fucking Pickle?" Skwisgaar asked, a mixed look of sympathy and disgust on his face. Toki nodded. "And you likes it? You wants to dos it to him?"

"Ja."

"Then that woulds make you gay."

"Buts I don't _want _to be likes—why? Why can'ts I just be fuckings normal?" he cried, throwing the pillow to the floor in anger. "Why ams I so fucks up?"

The Swede frowned and patted his hand. "It ammnest not that bads, only a littles gross. You're not a fucks up."

"Yes I ams, and you know what the worst part is? I've _always _beens this way, haven't I? I just haven't knows it. I'm so...ugh..." he shuttered and thought back to his dream. _Haven't I ever told you that I love you? _Suddenly he let out a sob and his head fell into his hands. "He'll never loves me, will he? He'll thinks I ams gross, just likes you do."

"Toki, I don't-" The Norwegian just fell into Skwisgaar's lap, silently begging for some kind of sign that he was okay. In the end all the Swede found it acceptable to do was hug him and whisper, "Don'ts cry, please. It ammnest okays, it's going to be fines, I swear. We cans makes you better again, makes you normal." This didn't help much, but what else could he say? This was the most awkward conversation he'd ever had with anyone in his whole life. Of course he wanted to help Toki fix his problem, but he'd never imagined it would be like this. Gently he patted the Norwegian's shoulder. "Ssh," he said soothingly. "I wills makes it okay, I swears."

"Sk-Skwisgaar, you knows the worst part?" he asked thru his sorrow, sniffling a little. "I really haves always been like this. How comes I didn't knows it before? I shoulds have figured it out back in Norway, whens-" Toki cut himself off and continued crying. The memory was painful and embarrassing. It had been the worst moment in his entire life..."I wants you to leaves me now." he said, pulling out of Skwisgaar's warm embrace. "I wants you to get outs of my room and leave me alone. Please don't tells anyone abouts what I told you, though."

"Tokis, don't worry." he said, rising to his feet. "Your secret ammnest safe with me. Pickle will never know; nobodys will."

"You swears?"

"Ja, I dos. On my lifes I promise nobody will ever know that you ams gay."

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**Chapter 2, Part 4  
**_**Thinking Back**_

Once the Swede had exited his room, Toki was left to ponder those painfully embarrassing memories that had come flooding back to him before. He'd forgotten so many things, blocked them out. The first thing that he remembered was the only sexual encounter he'd had with another guy. It had happened in the snow, when a boy had come up and told him that he liked him. "Toki," he had said in a low, secretive voice, careful that nobody else walking by could hear him. "I think you're really fucking hot. I wanna screw you. Is that bad?"

He hadn't known how to respond to this, so he'd shrugged and tried to walk away as innocently as he could, but the other teenager caught him, pulled him back, and kissed him. Toki had felt the boy's hands wander under his shirt, creep to the buckle of his belt. Everyone passing by the two teenage boys gasped and whispered to one another. Neither of them cared much, though. They made out right there in the middle of a busy street in Lillehammer, completely obvious to everyone and everything around them. Of course word would travel around the small town and eventually reach Toki's father. He'd gotten the shit beaten out of him for that; his father would nearly sent him to the hospital...

Then he thought back to the time when he was ten and he'd gone to a girl's birthday party; she'd kissed him. He done nothing, just stood there like an idiot with his eyes wide. When his best friend had come and pulled him away to a snowball fight with some other kids, he'd never been so grateful to get away from any girl in his life...

Gay. He was gay? It didn't make sense, yet it explained everything. Toki let out a dry sob and curled up in ball in his bed, trying to act like this wasn't happening. None of this was real—the world wasn't real, his life wasn't real...every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Pickles smiling at him. He imagined himself kissing the drummer, moaning under the touch of those callused hands...

_I think you're really fucking hot. I wanna screw you..._

He didn't know anymore. Was it bad? No, it seemed good. It seemed like the best thing in the world...fucking Pickles? Yes, that would definitely be _good. _

Like he'd thought before, it didn't make sense, yet it explained more than everything.

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**Chapter 2, Part 5  
**_**The Worst Lie**_

"So what's wrong with him?" Pickles asked as soon ask Skwisgaar reentered the kitchen. He'd finished his bottle of booze and had opened himself a can of beer. As the Swede took a seat at the table, he offered him a sip.

"Nos thanks you." He said politely, trying to hide the pale, disturbed look that was still on his face. "I ams fine."

"Okay, but what about To-"

"Toki ammnest fine. There's no problem with hims." He hurried to say, never meeting the drummer's prying gaze. "He ams totallys fine, just wants to be alone now."

A confused look came upon Pickles' face; he got up out of his chair and put down his beer. "Maybe I should go talk to him."

"Nos!" Skwisgaar blurted, grabbing his arm. The drummer frowned and pulled away from him.

"Dude, what the hell's your problem?"

"I…um…it ams Tokis. Whatever you dos, don't go sees him."

"But I—"

"Please!"

Pickles shrugged and sat back down in his seat. He took a sip of his beer before saying quietly, "So he told you he didn't wanna see me? Is 'dat what this is about?"

"Nos—I mean yes. He don't want to sees you."

"He told you 'dat?"

Skwisgaar nodded and nervously ran a slender hand thru his long hair. "Ja, he ammnest really pissed off at yous." He knew that if Toki could hear what he was saying right now, he'd kill him, but what else could he do? Who knows what the confused, lonely Norwegian might do if he was alone with the one person he so craved…Skwisgaar couldn't let that happen, so he rushed to add, "Ja, he says he just wants everybody to leaves hims alone."

"But is he _okay? _I mean, he ain't gonna hurt himself or nothin'?"

The Swede closed his mouth and said nothing. He'd never considered this a possibility. He reached for Pickles' beer, took a sip of it, and shuttered at the burning of the alcohol as it ran down his throat. "Is…he ammnest okay, just trust me. He wouldn't dos that, would he?"

"I dunno. Would he?"

They were both silent for a long moment before the door of the kitchen opened again. Toki entered the room, a distressed look on his face when he saw Skwisgaar and Pickles. He quickly turned his attention to the Swede and asked in careful Norwegian, _"Har du fortelle ham noe?"_

_["Did you tell him anything?"]_

He shook his head and said in plain English, "Nos."

"Thanks you so much!"

"Forgets it." He said, shrugging off Toki's gratitude. Pickles stared from one man to the other, a puzzled look on his face.

"What's goin' an with you, Toki? Are you alright?"

He gave an immediate nod. "Ja, fines. Are yous okay?"

Pickles grinned at his innocent, caring little question. "Yeah, course I am, just as long as you're good."

Toki turned a little red and went to sit down next to the drummer. Skwisgaar stopped him and pulled him over to his side of the table. "Tokis, I ammnest so fuckings glad that you decide to comes out of your room. Here, sit bys _me."_

"Buts what if I—"

"Just dos it."

He gave an irritated sigh and complied with the Swede's request. Once he had, the panicked look on Skwisgaar's face lessened and he took another sip of Pickles' beer before the drummer snatched it back. "Dude, if you want any more go get your own. 'Dis one's mine."

"Whats happened to sharing?"

"Sharing sucks." He said simply, downing the rest of the beer and crushing the can. Skwisgaar got up and nudged Toki.

"You wants anything whiles I ams up?"

He shook his head, seemingly unable to break his gaze away from the drummer. "Nos."

Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes and leaned close to Toki. He whispered in his ear, "Looks, you'd better takes your eyes offs of him fast. If he finds out that you been dreamings about fuckings him, then he'll hates you."

The Norwegian's eyes grew wide. "He'll hate me?"

"Of course he wills. Not everybody ammnest gross homo likes you."

His face grew red and in an instant Skwisgaar was saying in his loud, usual voice, "Sos nothing you wants?"

"Ja," he said dully. "gets me something to makes me drunk." and he looked down at his fingers and began to pick his nails nervously as the Swede went over to the fridge and got himself a beer. While he was gone, Pickles made a failed attempt at conversation.

"So, you're okay now, right?"

"I always was okays."

"Oh. Right."

He bit his lower lip in a display of innocent embarrassment and added, "But it ams okay 'cause you makes it better again, Pickle. Thanks for thats."

"But I didn't do nothing." he said, frowning. "You didn't tell me anything. It was Skwisgaar who-"

"Nos, trust me. It was yous."

And as Skwisgaar came back, plopped back down in his chair, and passed Toki a beer, he said almost dangerously, "Sos maybe it ammnest time that we go to our rooms nows?"

"Ja." the other guitarist said, taking a sip of his drink. "Rights."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

****A/N****

**The reason why the next few chapters will be up so quickly is because while I was away on vacation I snuck off to the computer room in the hotel and did a little typing. Yes, I know it was cheating, but who cares? That's my idea of fun, despite what my family thinks. Anyways, hope you're enjoying the story. Much more twisted fun to come. Reviews are welcome and thanks to those who've already reviewed—you're all making my dull Christmas vacation brutal. ^_^**

**Please don't get too angry that I ****referred** to Pickles' hair as _orange. _It could go either way-red or orange, I think. He is a redhead, but whatever. Just my stupid, hippie opinion, anyway. For the purpose of this story, I shall refer to it as orange, because red roses have been used over and over again, and I want to be creative. So yeah...they're orange. Haha. Hate me if you must. :P The meaning the roses will soon become clear.

**Peace & Love**


	3. Chapter 3

"_So understand  
Don't waste your time  
Always searching for those wasted years  
Face up...make your stand  
And realize you're living in the golden years..."_

_~~Wasted Years by Iron Maiden_

**Chapter 3, Part 1  
**_**The Second Orange Rose**_

"Toki, you've gatta fuck me." Pickles whispered, staring at the Norwegian with his green eyes full of so much longing that it was almost painful. "You've gatta do it. I want you to. I _need _you to. Please." he touched Toki's hand and kissed it. "Please love me."

It was the dream again. Toki was having it again that night, only this time it was more vivid than ever after his brief discussion with the drummer. Now he could fully see Pickles' body for what it was-slender frame, a perfectly thin, flat stomach. Red hair _everywhere, _only contrasted to those wonderfully elemental green eyes that were more striking than the soft grass beneath them. He had freckles, too. Toki loved to count them on his nose, his arms...

"You wants me to..." his voice trailed off. This was it. It was too real, too lifelike to be _just a dream. _This had to be actual. It had to be or he'd just wake up and cry. He was so shamed by his own naked body that he couldn't even finish the question. Just as he went to grab his pants, Pickles' hand shot out and stopped him, urged him to relax on the cool grass under that orange-rosed arch.

"Yeah," he said, drawing a little closer to Toki, his lips parted and willing. "let's fuck."

And Toki obliged, sliding the slick head of his cock into the drummer. Once he had spent himself inside of him, Toki collapsed panting and sweating into Pickles' open arms like before, a clearly satisfied look on his tired face. "Thats was goods?"

"Amazing, babe. Perfect."

"You...you loves me?" he dared to ask, his pale eyes shining in the light of the glowing orange sun. He was afraid that this dream might turn into a twisted nightmare, that he would hear the drummer laugh and say no, but nothing like that happened. Pickles just nodded and stretched out, exposing his fully naked body to the world, no trace of shame on his face.

"Yep. More'n ever, babe."

Toki smiled and kissed him. "Why you keeps calling me that?"

" 'Cause you're mine and that's what I'm gonna call you." he ran a hand over the bare skin of the Norwegian's back and grinned. "You like 'dat?"

"Ja," he said, smiling. "I loves it."

"Good. Here." he reached over to the arch and plucked the biggest, fullest orange rose. Carefully, he held it out to Toki and whispered, "Smell."

He closed his eyes and inhaled the scent. It wasn't sweet like he'd expected. It was a wonderfully spicysmell, far different than any flower he'd ever caught the scent of. He'd only ever experienced that spicy smell once. At his birthday last year some of the Klokateers had opened up a special bottle of imported rum or something—he couldn't quite remember. What he could recall was that it had smelled just like this, so good and foreign. He loved it, and so had the drummer, who had gotten drunk off the stuff more than once. Now Pickles smiled and placed the rose in Toki's hair.

"You look beautiful, babe, so damn perfect. Let's just stay here forever, you and me, and fuck and smell the roses, 'kay? Does 'dat sound good?"

"Wonderfuls." Toki said, brushing his lips against the drummer's cheek. "That sounds wonderfuls."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

**Chapter 3, Part 2  
**_**The Real World Calls**_

"Hey, dude, wake up." Pickles urged, rubbing Toki's shoulder lightly. "S'time for dinner."

He let out a tired groan and opened an eye, watched as the drummer put down a whole plate of food onto the messy covers of the bed. "Pickle?" he asked thickly, trying to pull himself out of his dreamworld with orange and rum-smelling roses. "What ams you doing in here? What time is it?"

"It's seven at night, dude. You've been up here sleepin' all day." he answered, offering Toki a sip from the steaming cup of coffee he was holding. "I thought you might be hungry, so bought you some food and stuff."

"Ja, thanks." he said more angrily than he would've liked. "I was sleepings."

"I know, but I just figured-"

"Whatever." he said almost apologetically, taking the coffee and blowing on it. "Thanks, I guess. I'm sorrys if I'm kinds of mean, but I'm tired."

"Oh. Yeah, 'dat's cool." and he sat down on Toki's bed and yawned. "Long day doin' nothing. Tomorrow we gatta record."

Toki watched Pickles look down and turn a little red. "What ams wrong? Why do you looks embarrassed likes that?"

"Huh?" his green eyes met the Norwegian's pale ones as he shrugged. "S'nothing. It's stupid, I guess."

"What ams you talking abouts? Lately you've been almost as dildos as me." and Toki grinned at his joke and took a careful sip of his coffee, savoring the rich and bold favor before continuing. "Ams it about your birthday? You're excited, huh? You're goings to be thirty-three, right?"

Pickles frowned. "Plus two, dude."

"Oh. Thirty-f-"

"You ain't gatta say it out loud." he interrupted, letting his head rest on his hand. "It's already bad enough if you don't say it." Then he looked around the Norwegian's room and smacked his lips. "Gad, I need a fuckin' drink. Don't you gat any alcohol in here?"

"Nopes. It ams all in your room."

Another joke, but Pickles still wasn't laughing; his worried look was only magnified as he grumbled, "Yeah, right. I drink too much, I know. Maybe 'dat's why I feel so-" he cut himself off. A look of curiosity came across Toki's face as he picked up his fork and picked at the food on the plate.

"You feels sos what?"

"_Old."_

He laughed and threw down his fork. "Ams you kidding? You're not old, Pickle!"

"Well I sure as fuck ain't young." he said, looking depressed. "And the worst part is I can feel it, too. Haven't you just ever felt...y'know, shitty?"

Toki's laughter ceased when he realized how serious the drummer was. He nodded. "Ja, I'm feelings something right nows, alright." and he was as he watched Pickles chew on his lower lip—he always did that when he was seriously thinking about something. His mind flashed back to what the drummer had looked like fully exposed to that orange sun, his unclothed body glistening. "Is thinks you'd just better leaves me alone." he finally said, trying to hide the prying urgency of his voice. "Thanks for bringings me dinner, but I'm fine. Reallys."

"No you're nat." he said, his frown deepening. "You sound like you need somethin'. What's wrang? Can I do anything for you?"

_Mores than you know, _he thought, smiling secretively. All he could bring himself to say was, "Nos, just gos away from me now, please. I don't needs you."

"Oh. Okay."

He got up and walked towards the door without saying another word. Toki couldn't stand it; he jumped to his feet and called, "Waits!" Pickles turned around and accepted the quick hug that the Norwegian gifted him with. Before letting go, the guitarist leaned close to him and whispered, "And you ams not old, Pickle."

"Thanks, dude." he said, forcing a small smile to his face. "I guess you're right."

"Likes always?"

Pickles chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Sure, like always."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

**Chapter 3, Part 3  
**_**Skwisgaar's Rose**_

Toki didn't bother to get up and drag himself out of his room the next morning, either. He remained locked inside, huddled under his covers, trying to make himself dream of Pickles again. In the late afternoon Skwisgaar bared into his bedroom and locked the door. "Tokis," he said, anxiously tapping his fingers on the nightstand next to the bed. "gets your fuckings self out of bed."

"Nos." he said, his voice muffled under the covers. "I'ms dreaming."

"Abouts fucking Pickle, I'm sures. Gets up." he reached over, took the covers, and yanked them off the bed roughly. "I don'ts gives a damn if you're jackings yourskelf off, just gets up!"

Toki covered his face with a pillow and groaned. "Leaves me alone! I'm in my underwears!"

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes and pulled the pillow away, not giving heed to the fact that the Norwegian was in nothing but his black boxers. "Nice." he said, grinning. "Ams those little hearts on thems?"

The Norwegian sat up abruptly, reclaimed the pillow, and covered himself, his cheeks flaming. "No they ams not! They're skulls."

"Hearts."

"_Skulls."_

"Looks!" he suddenly snapped, sounding quite irritated. "I didn't comes in here to argue about whats you gots on your underwear, only to says that unless you gets better real quick and starts coming down to records, Ofdensen ammnest goings to hire back Twinkletits to gives you therapy agains."

Toki cursed. "Oh nos!"

"Ja, sos comes on and gets out of bed."

He scratched his head, ignoring the amused look Skwisgaar gave him, and sat up. He let the pillow in his lap fall and looked around his room, a brow arched. "What day ams it?"

"Mondays."

He groaned and covered his eyes. "I hates Mondays."

"No you don'ts," Skwisgaar said brightly, giving Toki's well-defined body a quick scan. "You don't hates anything, dos you?"

His response was to utter a tired, irritated hiss and to fall back into the soft mattress. The Swede frowned at this and pulled him back up. "Comes on, gets up and puts some clothes on."

"No. I don't feels likes it."

"If you don't I gets Pickle to comes up here right now to sees you in your underwear." he laughed maliciously and added, "With thems stupid hearts."

"Skulls!" he hissed, turning a bright red as he hurried to cover himself again. Skwisgaar, sensing the annoying cycle, grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Nos, don't. Just comes on and let's talks."

"Abouts what?"

His grin faded as he said seriously, "Your dreamings. It ammnest all you dos now, Toki. Look, you gots to get downstairs and do _sometings_ other than thinking of fucking hims."

He looked utterly pitiful and melancholy as he mumbled, "What ams it matter? Nothing I do can makes him love me. Even if he did, I wouldn't know whats to do. I'd just stands there like an idiot."

The Swede rolled his eyes at his sudden gloominess. "What ammnest you mean you wouldn't know whats to do? You've been dreaming abouts fucking him, rights?"

"Well ja, but dreamings it ams a lot different than _doings _it." he said, scratching his bare stomach distractedly. Skwisgaar shifted in his seat with discomfort as his averted his gaze to Toki's underwear.

"Nos," he said in a low voice. "It ammnest not."

"But what if I ams scared? What if he likes me and I don't know whats to do abouts it?" this certainly was a real possibility. No matter how much Toki could ever want the drummer, picture him naked, or dream of fucking him, in real life it would be damn near impossible just to hold his hand. He wasn't shy, just uncertain of how to go about it. Besides that, screwing a girl was one thing, but another man was something completely different. In a quiet desperation he asked in a near-whisper, "Skwisgaar, you knows a lot about this kinds of thing, so how can I dos it?"

"You know what I dreams about?" he asked, intentionally changing the subject. "I dreams about someone toos, sometimes. Anothers guy."

"Who?"

"You."

Toki felt his face grow hot as he sputtered, "M-Mes?"

Skwisgaar nodded. "Ja, yous. You ams..."

"Are you goings to help me with Pickle or not?" he asked abruptly, turning away in shame. The Swede took his hand and nodded.

"Of course," he said, his voice a soft, longing whisper. "I woulds like nothing better than to shows you what to do. Comes here." with a single tug he had Toki sitting in his lap. "You've fucks with a lady before, rights?"

"Ja." his blue eyes filled with something almost equal to pride as he dared to say, "I'm not as innocent as you all thinks I ams."

Skwisgaar let out a little laugh. "Good; I likes that. When you fucks the ladies, how do you likes them to touch you? What makes yous wants to fucks them?"

The smile abruptly melted from his face. "I...ums..."

"Here?" gently he began stroking Toki's cock thru the thin fabric of his underwear. "Likes this?"

He bit his lip and nodded. "Y-Yeahs, likes that."

"Uh-huh." he grinned and began rubbing him harder, laughing as Toki's erection became visible thru his boxers. "And you knows what else I dreams about?"

"Huh?" he asked, gasping and arching his back, trying to force more of himself into Skwisgaar's hand. In his mind he could only think of one person—Pickles. He could imagine the drummer stroking him like that, loving him like nobody else in the world. He let out a shuttering breath, struggling to retain his desire.

"When you were sleepings before I wokes you, you were moanings. I dreams of that sounds a lot." he leaned forward and parted his lips, let out a warm breath. "You ever kissed a guys?"

"Ja, once."

"Goods. Then I won't feels guilty abouts taking anything away from Pickle—beings the first guy you kiss." he pressed his lips against Toki's and gave him a brief, sweet kiss. It wasn't anything too deep or demanding, just a small, oddly innocent peck on the lips. Toki had always imagined that Skwisgaar didn't know how to kiss like that, but apparently he did; as he pulled away he threw the Norwegian off of him and laughed boldly.

"That ammnest enough. You gets it, don't you? Just dos that and he'll gets turns on. Trust me."

"You...you ams not going to tells anyone abouts this, are you?" he brushed some of his hair away from his face, breathing deeply. "Not Pickle?"

He shrugged. "Nos, I guess nots; I don't wants people thinking that I'ms gay." he reached forward and gently brushed a hand across Toki's cheek. "And we don't ever haves to talks about it again, right? You helps me live my dream out and I'll helps you get Pickle." the other guitarist nodded, his eyes full of almost childish excitement. "Ja," Skwisgaar continued. "and we can gets him to love you, I swears."

"How cans we do that?"

"It takes times. You can't gives him too much, just enoughs to makes him loves you, otherwise you'll just looks desperate." the Swede said smartly. "Trust me, I knows abouts this stuffs. What we just dids was lust. You and Pickle, you gots something more than that. You _loves _him, don't you? You wants him to talks to you and hold your hand and all that stuffs. You wants to be with him and do more than just fucks him, right?"

He nodded, his face pale and almost frightened at how well the other man could read him. "I wants that so bad."

"Then that ams love. You ammnest in _loves, _Toki." Skwisgaar took his hand and kissed it lightly. "You really loves him..."

"Don't you loves me?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Nos, I lust for you, littles Toki. That ammnest totallys different; that means I wants to haves you alone for one night and fucks you, then let you go the next day. I would never do that, because you ams like my brother." he released the Norwegian's hand and added brightly, "We've been thru everythings together, like comings to America. Do you remembers when we first gots to the Mordhaus?"

Toki nodded and said happily, "Ja, of course! That was the days that I mets him! I mets-"

"Pickle. That was the best part abouts that day for you, wasn't it?" he inquired gently, a small, understanding smile on his face.

"The best day of my lifes, I guess. He was sos...do you gets it? The first thing he says to me was, 'You wants a beer?'; while Nathan and Murderface was arguing abouts when to send us homes because we couldn't speak English that well, he just comes over and tries to gives me a beer." he looked down and his smile grew at the thought of that wonderful memory.

"I coulds sees it, any smarts person could." Skwisgaar said, rising up from Toki's bed. "You loves him, everything abouts him. The first time you seen hims drunk, all you wanted hims to do was hang on you and it was okays then, because he ammnest drunk. And it still ammnest okays if you love him. I don't mind." he held out a hand; Toki took it and rose to his feet.

"We gots to go downstairs now, huh?"

He nodded, his blond hair falling from behind his ears. "Sorrys, but Pickle ammnest worried about you." gently he slipped a hand around the Norwegian's waist and urged him towards his pile of clothes. "Gos get dressed for me, okays? We'll go together."

"Okays." he said, reaching for his shirt. "Thanks, Skwisgaar. I guess I really do loves you to—you ams like my brother."

He rolled his eyes and went to stand outside. "Don't get toos crazy, little Toki. You wills always be dildos."

Just before he left Toki alone to get dressed, the Norwegian asked, "Waits—Skwisgaar?"

"Ja?" he stopped and turned.

"So ams that mean that when you dreams abouts me, I'm the one who gives you the rose?"

A confused look came across his face."What the fucks ammnest you talkings about? Ams you drunk again?"

He shook his head and slipped his shirt over his head, trying to hide the embarrassed look he had. "No, it ams nothings. Just forgets it."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

****A/N****

**Yep...just a thought, but if Toki let Skwisgaar do **_**that **_**to him, then just imagine what he'll do with Pickles...Just something to keep in mind. ^_^**

**Peace & Love**


	4. Chapter 4

"_Well I'd never wanna see you unhappy  
__I thought you'd want the same for me  
__Goodbye my almost lover  
__Goodbye my hopeless dream  
__I'm trying hard not to think about you  
__Can't you just let me be?  
__So long my luckless romance  
__My back is turned on you  
__Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
__Almost lovers always do..."_

_~~Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy_

**Chapter 4, Part 1  
**_**Drink It Away**_

"Heys, Pickle!" Toki exclaimed as he and Skwisgaar entered the living room. As soon as the bubbling, excited Norwegian came into the room, the drummer looked up from the bottle of booze he'd been drinking and grinned drunkenly.

"Heeeeeya, Tokhi. Howya doin'?"

His pale eyes dulled as he turned to the Swede. "He ams drunk again, huh?"

"Ja, he drinks alots." and he went to take his seat on the couch. Toki just stood in the doorway awkwardly twisting some of his long hair between his fingers. Nathan, who was sitting next to Pickles, rolled his eyes and pushed the drummer off the couch.

"God, you're such a fucking dick when you're drunk." at the annoyed look Pickles gave him, he added in his deep voice, "How old are you this year? Forty? Isn't it time you start acting like it?"

Toki's eyes grew wide at the singer's harsh words; he went over to help the drummer up, but was just shoved away roughly. "No, fuck it! What did you jus' say about me?" he glared at Nathan, his green eyes alight with anger and a little shame. "Y'just called me old, didn't you? I ain't old, dude! I ain't-"

"Jeshush Chrisht, Picklesh will you jusht shut the fuck up?" Murderface asked, rolling his eyes. "Sheesh, it'sh like you're going thru a fucking midlife crishish or shomething...you're acting shtupider than Toki!"

"Heys! I'm nots-"

"Fuck you, didlo!" he said, his voice slurred as he drank some more. "Don't bring him into 'dis! He's a good kid!"

"Pickle, just calms down." Toki said, putting a hand on the drummer's shoulder. Pickles turned to him, his eyes half closed and swimming. "Comes on, you needs to gos to bed."

"Leave me alone!" he retorted, rising shakily to his feet. "I wanna be alone!"

Brilliant. A bitter taste of his own medicine. Toki watched in silence as Pickles went out of the room, still drinking from that damn bottle. Once he had left, Nathan cursed. "That stupid fucker. I swear to God, if he doesn't stop drinking so much and acting so stupid, I'll..."

"You'll whats?" Toki asked fearfully. Skwisgaar cast him a worried glance.

"Nots that Toki cares, rights?" It was a simple, subtle warning.

"No, of course nots." he raced to recover before repeating his question. "What wills you do, Nathan? Kicks hims out of the band?" he tried not to sound too concerned, tried not to show how much he cared, but had a hard time at it.

"Yeah," Nathan said, smiling darkly. "we should. If he doesn't stop acting so...ugh..."

"He ams not acting! What if he really has a problem?" the Norwegian asked. When nobody said anything, he let out a frustrated yell and jumped to his feet. "Isn't anyones going to helps him? Doesn't anyones care?" still no answer. "When ams someone goings to gives a fuck about anyones else? I'm so sick of this! Nobody cares abouts me or Pickle or...or..."

"What the fuck're you going on about now?" Murderface inquired cluelessly. Nathan chuckled.

"I think Toki's finally telling us what's wrong; he wants more attention."

"Nos I don't!"

"Yes you dos." Skwisgaar cut in, his voice a dangerous warning. "Because none of us ammenst supposed to cares about each other, because it ams not brutal."

"I'm so tireds of this! Why can'ts I just tells them already?"

"Tell us what?" Nathan wondered.

"That I'ms g-"

"Stupids." the Swede interrupted. "That you ammnest reallys, really stupid if you thinks that telling them that will helps Pickle."

Toki shut his mouth and nodded understandingly. After a moment he retreated out the room in search of the drummer. Nathan watched him go, a disgusted look on his face. "What the fuck's wrong with that kid? Is he sick?"

"I told you, he'sh fucked up in the head." Murderface observed, scratching his stomach.

"He ammnest just confused-ded." Skwisgaar said, sighing in relief now that Toki was gone. "Just reallys, really confused."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

**Chapter 4, Part 2  
**_**Early Birthday**_

Pickles was just about to open himself a fresh bottle of vodka as Toki entered his bedroom. "Pickle?" he asked, taking a slow, cautious step into the threshold of the room. "Ams you okay?"

He said nothing for a long moment, just struggled with that bottle. Finally words did come in shaking, near-sobs as he threw the bottle to the floor. " 'Dey said I was old!" and he didn't care as the glass shattered and spilled all over his shoes and the cold stone floor of his room. He just kicked a few pieces of the shattered glass to the side and punched at the mirror that hung above his dresser. Toki went to sit on his bed, a concerned look on his face. No matter how much he wanted to, he said nothing, just watched as Pickles stormed thru his room, breaking everything that he could.

"Fuck 'dis shit!" he howled, hitting the mirror again, this time as hard as he could manage. The glass splintered and finally gave way, a few shards embedding themselves into the drummer's already bleeding knuckles. He didn't notice. "What the fuck am I gonna do?"

"Abouts what?" Toki asked timidly, hugging a nearby pillow. He hated it when Pickles got drunk. He was always so angry and unpredictable. He'd even gone so far as to give him a black eye once...for a moment the Norwegian was sure that he was about to get hit again as the drummer turned to him, his hands curled into bleeding fists.

"Toki, don't you get it? It's like you're the only one who doesn't get it, who don't see it."

"Sees what?"

"I'm fucking...I just..." he let out an angry breath and went over and stared at his refection in the shattered remnants of the mirror. "I'm done. I'm fuckin' drunk and useless. I-I can't...d'you remember 'dat last concert we played?"

Toki nodded and said gently, "Ja, of course I dos. Whats about it?"

Pickles wiped his nose with his bloody hand, ignoring the streak of red this action left across his cheek. "After the show y'know how I didn't do nothin' but grab a bottle'f vadka an' go in my dressing room? I didn't even fuck any chicks 'dat night, just gat drunk until I passed out. That was all I had the damn _energy _t'do. Ain't that sad? What does it mean? Maybe I should just quit..."

"Quits what?" he asked, that old fear returning to him. "Pickle, whats would you quit?"

"Everything. The band, the money, the fame, the girls. Maybe I should just leave. Maybe-"

"You ams bleeding. Comes here." Toki made a motion to get up, but Pickles forced him back down onto the bed with a kind smile.

"Nah, you're the only one..." he said, taking a seat next to the Norwegian.

"I'ms the only one what?" the guitarist inquired, looking down at Pickles' cut hand. He took it and gently wiped some of the blood off, tried to make it look a little better.

"Who came." when Toki still didn't look like he understood, Pickles swallowed and his smile grew into a knowing smirk. "Y'know, the only one who bothered to come. You're the only one in the whole damn house who gives a fuck about me, huh?"

"Nos, we all loves you." he said, focusing his attention on the drummer's hand. "You needs me, anyways. Looks at yourself—punching mirrors, hurting yourself..."

"Y'know I tried to kill myself once." he said offhandedly. Toki gasped.

"You whats? How—why?"

"I hated it—everything, and so one day I just..." he shook his head. "Nah, 'dat wasn't it. Why was it, again? Oh yeah, 'cause me an' Tony, we...and he said...I just freaked out and..." he cleared his throat and closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "Ain't a big deal now, anyways. I just gat a really bad headache. D'you think you could get me somethin' t'drink?"

Toki shook his head. "Nos, I got something better. Looks." he got up and pulled Pickles to his feet. "Let's go sees a movie."

He laughed. "Let's _what?"_

"Comes on, sees a movie! I thought we could go on your birthday, but fucks it. Let's just go rights now!" Toki gave him the sweetest, most innocent smile he felt as though he could get away with as he lead Pickles over to the door. "Let's gos right as soon as you takes a nap and ams sober!"

"But I—why would you wanna go with _me? _Why nat Skwisgaar? Y'like him more'n me anyways, right?"

"Nos I don't! I lo—you ams my best friend, Pickle." he said, blushing a little. "And sos we should go sees a movie. Please?"

"Yeah okay, but just let me alone for a while, 'kay? I gat a headache and need to sleep."

"Okays! Thanks so damns much!" Toki exclaimed excitedly, giving the drummer a quick hug. "You ams the greatest!" and he left the room, that same old sweet smile on his face. Pickles let out a heavy, labored breath and went to collapse onto his bed. About ten minutes later a knock came at his door.

"Opens up, Pickle." it was Skwisgaar, and his voice was urgent. "I needs to talks to you."

He let out a tired, annoyed groan and rolled over onto his stomach. "About what? 'Dis better be good, dildo!"

"It ammnest abouts Toki. There's somethings abouts him I think you shoulds know."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

**Chapter 4, Part 3  
**_**Never Will Be**_

"Thanks for comings with me, Pickle!" Toki whispered as he and the drummer took their seats in the theater.

Pickles just numbly shrugged and let out a simple, "S'no prablem."

Skwisgaar's news—his confession, rather—had come as a complete, unbelievable shock to him. He hadn't believed it. He still couldn't believe it, but the Swede had sworn on his life. "Why the fuck are you tellin' me 'dis if he didn't want me t'know?" he had demanded. Skwisgaar and looked down, clearly ashamed with himself and his loose tongue.

"I just...he wanteds so badly to tells you, but he couldn't..."

"Are you're absolutely, totally sure?" he had asked, collapsing onto his bed and letting his head fall into his hands.

"Ja," the Swede had said, his face glum. "he tolds me himskelf. He has dreams abouts you all the time. You know how he's been upstairs in hims room so much latelys?"

"Yeah, so?"

"He's been having the dreams abouts you. Abouts fucking y—"

"But he can't be g—he can't _like _me, can he? It's just disgusting! I'm nat...he's nat..."

Skwisgaar had given him a serious look and said, "Nos, Pickle, I cans tells you right now that the only reason I'm letting you knows at all is because he ammnest really in loves with you. I cans see it in hims face; every time you gets drunk he worries sos fuckings bad and wants to help you. Can't you just looks in his eyes and sees it? I don't want you to hurts him. Please don't dos that, just please takes him seriously. This amment no jokes."

And now Pickles sat with Toki in that darkening theater, waiting for the lights to fully dim and for the movie to start. He peered over at the Norwegian, stole a careful look at his pale blue eyes. They were glittering in the lights of the theater, shining so brightly with their intense wonderment and excitement. The drummer looked away immediately, feeling guilt race thru him, and downed some of his drink. It wasn't alcohol, but it would have to do. _Please, Gad, why can't you just let me be drunk for this? Just this, and I promise I'll never drink again...I don't wanna hurt him..._

"You know what Skwisgaar tolds me?"

He jumped in surprise at Toki's voice and almost choked on his drink. Carefully he met the Norwegian's gaze—how full of childish admiration and affection they were!-and smiled a little. He couldn't help it, and that smile only grew when Toki looked away and blushed. "Shit, Toki, why d'you gatta..." _be so adorable? So fucking perfect?_

"Whats, Pickle?"

"Listen, we need to talk, 'kay?"

"Sure." he began distractedly bouncing up and down in his seat, grinning like a kid. "Whats about?"

"About...I..." he cursed and turned his attention back to the movie screen. "Nothin', just chill out and watch the damn movie, okay?" As the show started, Toki became silent and leaned a little closer to Pickles. Halfway thru the show he was actually resting his head on the drummer's shoulder. Pickles felt his face growing red as he shrugged the guitarist off of him with an annoyed hiss. "Dude, get the fuck aff of me! What the hell's wrang with you? Can't you keep to yourself?"

He turned red. "Don'ts shout!"

"I'm nat, it's just..." he took a deep breath and shut his eyes. This was it. He had to do it now, but why did it hurt so much to say say it? Hadn't he been waiting all night to finally spit it out? Maybe not... "Toki, fuck this shit. You annoy the crap outta me. Why can't you just have taken Skwisgaar or something? Why do you always gatta act like a stupid, immature little kid?"

"I...I don't knows." he said, biting his lip in an effort not to cry right there. "I really don'ts know why I even bothers. This was stupids. Pickle, I lo-" but he cut himself off, shook his head, and got up. Pickles watched him walk out of the the theater and felt his heart ripping and tearing. What the fuck had he just done?

Without hesitation he followed, reaching and grabbing Toki's arm, trying to pull him into an apologetic hug. "Please, I-"

"Forgets it."

"But I'm sorr—"

Toki whirled around to face him, his face red; shining trails of tears glistened on his cheeks, ran all the way down to his jaw. "Haven't you dones enough? Why don't you just leaves me alone already?"

"Because I'm tryin' to tell you that I'm sorry!" he said, struggling to get the words out. "I really, really am! I don't know why I said 'dat, I just..." he looked away from the guitarist's hurt gaze. "Look, today I heard somethin' about you. Skwisgaar came to talk to me after you left and he told me that you may be a little _confused _about stuff and that you might—he told me that maybe you might be a little _confused _about me."

"Abouts you?" he scoffed. "What, you thinks I likes you or something?"

He shook his head. "No, I—look, Toki, are you gay?" he whispered this, leaned close and tried to keep anyone else passing by from hearing him, but it didn't matter, because in a second Toki was fuming.

"What the fucks ams you saying? You thinks that just because I asks you to go see a movie, I—you fucking idiots! I don't _likes _you, I hates you! You ruins my life and now this? _Tror ikke du selv få det? Jeg elsker deg, idiot! jeg elsker deg, jeg elsker deg, jeg elsker deg!" _and he walked away, out of the theater. Pickles stared after him, a confused look on his face.

"Wait, what? Toki, what the hell does 'dat mean? _Jeg elsker deg? _Wait!" he hurried after Toki, ran after him all the way out into the parking lot and to the car. The Norwegian had locked himself inside and was glaring out the front window, his arms crossed over his chest in a display of sheer and annoying defiance. Pickels let out a despairing cry and pounded on the driver's side door. "Dude, open up the door! Please unlock it! I just wanna talk, I just wanna-"

"It ams already unlocked." he said quietly. The drummer frowned and opened it. He climbed in the car and sat down in the driver's seat, trying not to meet Toki's horrible gaze.

"I'm a real dick, huh?"

"Ja," he said, sniffling. "you ams."

"Why'm I so fucking stupid? Why can't I see that you're really cool." he paused, waited for a reaction, but got none. "I shouldn't have said all that stuff. I'm sorry, I just got scared. When people tell me personal stuff I freak out."

"It ams fine, just as long as you're sorry." he mumbled, glaring down at his boots.

Pickles shook his head. "No, it ain't. It shouldn't be just _fine. _I fucked up big time. You should be pissed, you should be hittin' me or yellin' or-"

"I guess that ams where we're different." he inturrupted, his tone harsh and unyielding. "You tries so hards to hurt me and I tries with everything in me to keeps you safe."

Not knowing quite what to say to this, he just took a deep breath and asked bluntly, "So what Skwisgaar told me is true? About the dreams?"

Toki's face didn't redden like he'd expected it to—it turned a sickly, milky pale color, and for a moment he looked as though he might vomit. "He tolds you about that?"

"Yeah, and I-"

"Oh my Gods, and after I...he said..." his pale eyes grew wide; he couldn't even bring himself to even look at Pickles as he mumbled wretchedly, "He was supposed to keeps it a secret."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, but I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore." he closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat. God, he was exhausted. Who knew that one trip to the movies could take such a toll on someone? He felt something timidly brush against the bare skin of his arm and when he opened his eyes again he saw that Toki was holding his hand, staring at him with some kind of concerned fascination.

"Everything has just been so damns confusing lately. Why can't anythings be simple for me?"

"It ain't your fault." he said reassuringly. "You're just confused; you don't know where t'go or who to turn to."

"But I turns to you and you ams always there." he arched a brow in a hopeless display of confusion. "What ams that means?"

"Means 'dat I don't give a crap what Skwisgaar says, we're still cool." he swallowed nervously and added, "Right?"

Toki nodded. "Ja, rights. Sos you don't...never mind." he let go of the drummer's hand and crossed his arms over his chest. "We're cool, alright. Still friends, I guess." he sounded incredibly dissatisfied and let down.

"Yep. Still friends."

"Best friends?"

He sighed. Couldn't the kid just give him a break? "Toki, I-"

"If he tolds you about the dreams then you knows..." that sick, horrified look came over his face again. "You knows that what I dreams about doing to you?"

"Yeah, I know." he responded with a quiet sort of calmness. Thinking of how to proceed, he said, "It's cool. I used to have a latta dreams like 'dat when I was your age."

"You ams not that much older than me, though. Onlys by a few-"

"Dude, I'm old. Just shut up and accept it."

Toki smiled over at him, nervous and panicked look melting away quickly. He didn't have to be nervous around the drummers; no matter how bad he fucked up, Pickles would still be there for him. The drummer wasn't like anyone else in the world. The Norwegian blushed a little as he said, "Thanks, Pickle."

"Yeah, s'alright."

"So you ams not mad at me?"

"Mad? Nah, never."

"You still likes me?"

He gave the guitarist an immediate nod, without hesitation. "Course I still love you."

"Pickle?"

"Huh?"

Toki's smile grew as he said, "I never saids _love."_

"Oh...right." Pickles cleared his throat and shrugged awkwardly. "Well, like I said before, we're cool. We're always gonna be cool, no matter what, 'kay?"

And his little grin faded; of course the drummer was being practical. Toki sighed and nodded in agreement, accepting this. If friendship was all they'd ever have, then maybe that was just good enough. No, that would _never _be good enough. Didn't Pickles get it? Didn't he see what Skwisgaar saw? Didn't he understand that Toki loved him, or was he just choosing to ignore it?

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

**Chapter 4, Part 4  
**_**Stupid Little Toki**_

And so, not knowing what else to do, they drove home in silence. It was now understood: Pickles didn't love Toki, they were just friends. They'd always be just friends. Not only that, but it almost sickened Pickles to know what the Norwegian had dreamed of him—he couldn't even look at Toki. He couldn't peer into his pure, blue eyes because he'd know what he'd find there. Toki looked upon him with such admiration, affection, and respect in his eyes that it made Pickles actually want to hit him and yell at him, ask him what the hell was his problem, why would he look up to someone like him? He didn't. Instead he kept unusually quiet and drove the guitarist back to the Mordhaus, parked the car, and walked inside.

He was a ghost now, completely hallowed out and terrified of Toki. He'd nearly ruined their friendship, so what would he dare do next? Pickles wasn't stupid; he knew that he'd never see Toki like he had before again. He'd always remember how sick the Norwegian had looked when confronted about his dreams, how upset he'd gotten when called immature.

In the living room Skwisgaar and the others sat, all watching the television. Whenever Toki and Pickles came in the Swede got up and let out a dramatic yawn. "Okays, well I'm tired. I'm goings to-"

Toki, sensing Skwisgaar's attempt to escape, ran up and caught him, pulled him back down on the couch. "You saids you wouldn't tell! You _promised me, _you fuckings liar!"

"Toki, I didn'ts-"

"Why the fuck would you dos that to me?" he howled, his eye shining with tears of mingling anger and embarrassment. He was about to snap and tell his secret to everyone in the band, Pickles could tell. The drummer couldn't let that happen, so he pulled Toki into a tight hug, tried to distract him from Skwisgaar.

"Dude, shut up." he whispered in the shaking guitarist's ear. "Don't say what you're about to, just keep quiet, okay?"

"What can't he say?" Nathan questioned, arching a brow.

Murderface just pointed at the drummer and Toki and laughed. "They're _gay! _Look, they're hugging! Toki'sh a queer after all!"

"Shut up!" Pickles spat, glaring at the bassist. "Why don't you just leave him alone? We've been givin' him crap the whole fuckin' week, so why don't we just quit already?"

Nathan chuckled at this outburst. "What's wrong with you, Pickles? Upset because it's your birthday in a few-"

"Quit it!" he cried, hugging Toki closer to him in an effort to drown out the shame that was welling up in his own heart. It was too late, though. There were already too many emotions pent up inside everyone—without warning, Skiwsgaar stood up and grabbed Toki away from Pickles, held him close to his own chest.

"Everybody that ammnest not me, Tokis, or Pickle gets out!"

Toki just stood there, not caring who was holding him anymore. He was weeping openly, shaking from head to foot. Somehow thru it all he managed to say, "Why you has to tells him that I ams ga-"

"Get out, you all heard him!" Pickles interrupted, ushering Nathan and Murderface out of the room. "Get outta here, leave us alone!" he turned to Skwisgaar and instructed, "Keep Toki quiet, would you? Gad, be _useful _for once..."

"Fucks you! I'm doing the best I cans!"

"Do better!" he insisted as he slammed the door in Murderface and Nathan's faces. Once they were gone, he went over and tried to cradle Toki again, but the Swede wouldn't let him.

"Nos!" he snapped, placing a protective hand on the Norwegian's head. "Fucks off! Haven't you hurts him enough tonights?"

"_Me? _You were the one who came up and told me the kid dreamed of fuckin' me!"

Toki let out an agonized moan and hid his face. Skwisgaar just hugged him closer, whispered delicately, "It ammnest okay, mys Toki. I-"

"Fucks you, I am nots _your _Tokis." the other guitarist said coldly. "Fucks you for telling him."

"I was only trying to helps you."

"Helps me? I wants to fucking kills myself!" he hissed, pulling out of the Swede's tender embrace. "Why would you do this?"

Skwisgaar looked from Toki to Pickles and let out an defeated sigh. "You wants to know? You reallys to?"

"I'd sure as fuck like to know." the drummer commented.

"Fine. I dids it to make you _happy, _Tokis. I dids it because I knew that you never would works up the guts to. You ammnest in love, something I never felt for anybody. I wanted you to haves what I never coulds. I wanted you to haves the other half of you."

"The other half?" Pickles peered over at Toki and gave him a modest little smile. "You think that I'm the other half of you?"

"I never saids that." he answered, sniffling. "I shouldn't have saids anything. I only ever hurts myself, and now you'll never loves me. I knew that you'd never...I just reallys wanted you to likes me."

"I _do _like you, though!"

"But nots love?"

He thought for a moment and shook his head. "No," he said flatly. "nat love."

Toki nodded and looked away, a pained look on his face. "Okay. I thoughts not."

"You don'ts deserve him!" Skwisgaar cut in, giving Pickles a dangerous, almost murderous look. "Toki just wants you to loves him, but you won't even dos that!"

"I can't!"

"Whys not?"

"Because I'm not gay, that's why." he ran a hand thru his hair and said to Toki, "I'm sorry, but I could never love you like that, never. I'm not like you, I'm-"

"Fines, I understand. I was stupids to ever thinks you were." he said, shaking his head. "Whatever." and he turned and exited the room, hugging himself and continuing to cry. Skwisgaar watched him go, a sad, lost look on his face.

"Pickle?"

The drummer sighed. "Yeah?"

"I..." he struggled to find the right words before, "You coulds have made him so happy. I just hope you know that."

"You don't think I do? You think I'm stupid?"

"Ja," he said bitterly. "I dos. Why else would you gives him up like that?"

Pickles just looked over to the door that Toki had gone out of. "I don't know, dude. I really don't know."

**[][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]] [][[]][[[]]][]**

****A/N****

**One more chapter left, and more good news—I've also started working on _another _fucking Pickles/Toki story. Please, if anyone is getting tired of them, tell me. I don't want to bore you or anything like that. What else can I cover in this A/N? Oh yes, I know the quote at the top was long, but I couldn't cut anything out of it. It was just too perfect for the chapter, wasn't it? I hope you had a good Christmas. Me and my sister just opened our presents today because my dad is a sugarcane farmer and had to work all yesterday. It was still fun, though. [^_^] Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter. Reviews are welcome and thanks to those who've already reviewed.**

**Peace & Love**


	5. Chapter 5

"_I've got this second chance  
__I'm gonna take it  
__I've got this song and dance  
__I'm gonna take it  
__I've got all that I need  
__And I can taste it  
__I've got you next to me  
__And I don't want to waste it..."_

_~~Next To Me by Civil Twilight_

**Chapter 5, Part 1  
**_**Happy Birthday**_

A few weeks passed and Pickles was teetering dangerously on the edge of self-destruction. He watched as all of Mordhaus was transformed for his birthday; balloons, cake, presents...he hated it all. It made him sick. He'd begged for no celebration, but apparently everyone just thought he was being humble. He stood now, watching as Jean-Pierre rolled out his cake to him, a gravely serious smile on his stitched face. He halted the cart in front of the drummer and gave him a humble bow.

"My Lord, does this please you?"

Pickles took one look at the cake and shook his head. "Nah," he said, irritated. "It don't please me at all. There's too many stupid, dildo candles an the top of it. Take some of them aff, please."

"But my Lord, they're are exactly thirty-five candles on the cake. Don't you want-"

"No!" he snapped, his voice echoing throughout the bustling room. Everyone that had been working stopped at the sound of the exclamation and stared at at the drummer as he yelled, "Take some aff or trash the whole damn cake!"

"My Lord, please-"

"And is 'dat chocolate on there?"

He nodded and lowered his head submissively. "Yes, my Lord. Chocolate frosting and-"

"Vanilla cake?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Who the fuck told you 'dat I liked stupid vanilla cake? I wanted chocolate! Take the whole fuckin' thing back, give it to some hobos or somethin'! Sell it an eBay for all I care, just fix me another." and he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Jean-Pierre. "Do it. Now."

The chef didn't ask twice; he nodded and wheeled the cake cart back in the direction of the kitchen. Just as he went to leave the room, he bumped into Toki. "Oh, Lord Toki, please don't be mad. It was an accident, a-"

"It ams okay, Jean-Pierre. You barley even hits me." he frowned at the stressed look on the chef's face. "Ams you okay?"

"Lord Pickles." was all he said before pushing past Toki and leaving the room. The Norwegian's frown deepened as he looked over and watched Pickles yelling at some Klokateers.

"No, don't put the stupid presents there! Just take them outta the fuckin' room, I don't wanna look at them!"

"But my Lord, you just told us to put them here!"

"Well I changed my Gad damn mind about it!" he scowled. "Why the fuck do you guys gatta make 'dis so damn hard? Just do what I say and-"

"Pickle, you ams going crazy, you knows that?"

The drummer turned to him. The angry look faded into a much softer one. "T-Toki?" he asked, smiling. "You're talkin' to me again?"

He shrugged. "Maybes, if you wants to listen."

"Well yeah, of course I-"

"Then comes with me." he said, motioning towards the door. "I wants to gives you your present."

He groaned. "Can't you just put it in the fuckin' pile over with the others?" and he glared down at his shoes and mumbled, "I didn't even want a stupid party to begin with..."

"Just comes on." Toki insisted. Unlike before, he didn't take the drummer's hand and lead him away, he just turned and went out of the room, hoping that Pickles would follow. He did.

"Toki, listen, about our last-"

"You seems really stressed out." he observed as they walked down the hall. "It ams kind of funny."

Pickles scoffed. "Oh, it's funny, huh?"

"Ja," Toki said, grinning broadly. "it ams."

"It's funny 'dat I'm getting old and...and...are you laughing?"

He nodded and began laughing madly, but never once did he lean against the drummer or even walk closer to him. He just continued on his way, a happy and carefree look on his face. Once his laughter had subsided he said, "You knows, I've been talkings with Skwisgaar a lots and he says-"

"Okay, what the fuck is wrang with you?"

Toki's smile didn't disappear. "What ams wrong with what?"

"This—_you._ You're all happy and stuff, and you're actually talkin' to me now." Pickles said, giving him an odd look. "It's like you forgot."

"I haven't forgots how mad I ams at you." he said lightly, shrugging. "I just sorts of got over it, I guess. I miss talkings to you. We were best friends before, you knows. Before Skwisgaar tolds you about-"

"Yeah, I know."

"You remembers?"

The drummer nodded. "Course I remember; how could I forget the day I broke your heart?"

Toki rolled his eyes. "You didn'ts break it, only mades it harder to put back together, that ams all."

They walked the rest of the way in silence before the Norwegian lead Pickles off to his room. Once there, he opened the door and went inside. Pickles hesitated, but eventually he worked up the confidence and entered. Toki closed the door and then went over to his bed. He got down on his knees and began to root around the underside of his bed. The drummer watched him and smiled.

"What're you doin', idiot?"

"Gettings your present. Holds on..." and he came up with a frown on his face. "I can't finds it. Oh well, I guess you'll just haves to be happy with this." without hesitation, he jumped up to his feet, went over to Pickles, and kissed him on the lips. When he was done he pointed to the door and said calmly, "You cans go now. I'm done. That ams it."

"But I...what?"

"Gos away now." Pickles shook his head, reached for Toki's hand. The Norwegian recoiled from his touch and insisted, "Gos away now, please! I don't want to have you breakings my heart again. One time ams enough, I've learned my lesson." The drummer stood there feeling utterly numb inside; Toki smiled at him coolly and whispered, "See? It doesn't feels so good to have your heart fucked with, does it? But I forgots, you never gave me your heart because—why? Oh yeah, you weren't gays."

"You're still mad?" he finally managed to ask. The Norwegian scoffed and glared at him.

"That was the worst day of my life! I hates you for it!"

"No you don't, you still love me." Pickles insisted, taking the guitarist's hand.

"Reallys? Then why ams me and Skwisgaar going out together after your stupids party?"

He felt his heart ripping in half. "You're what? Why him, why nat..."

"Who else ams there who would haves me?" he wondered. "You don't loves me even though I've given you everythings, and so what else cans I do? I'm a person, I needs to fuck someone sometimes."

Pickles could just imagine Toki and Skwisgaar fucking. He felt his face burning at the thought and tried to cast it away, but couldn't. Not his Toki, not the Toki he'd worked so damn long to protect from the world, to keep so innocently untouched. Had he really lost him, just like that? "Toki, I...please don't go out with him..."

"Whys not?"

"I can't see you do 'dat, not with him."

"Why the hells not? You and me ams just friends, right?"

"Well yeah, but-"

"We're just friends, rights?" he repeated, this time sounding uncharacteristically angry.

Pickles felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes as he nodded and repeated weakly, "Y-Yeah."

"We're just friends?"

"Yeah." he whispered.

Toki narrowed his eyes at him and demanded, "Whats the fuck did you just say?"

"We're just friends!"

"Are we?"

"N-No, of course we're nat!" Pickles finally broke down and cried, falling into the Norwegian's open arms. "I love you, I love you..."

"You loves me?"

He nodded and pressed his face into Toki's shirt, let out a huge sob. He was helpless now, totally powerless against himself or anything else. "I love you like nothing else in the world." he whispered, feeling his last bits of strength and courage failing him. "Are you happy? This is it, Toki—I'm old and in love with you and nobody or nothing can change it, not ever. I'll love you until the day I die, because you should be with me. Don't you get that yet? With_ me."_

"I still dreams of you, you knows." Toki said, smiling down at Pickles. "Every single night."

"Would it be really, really fucked up if I dreamed of you last night?" he asked, shaking. "Oh Gad, it was so fuckin' amazing. You were beautiful, like the best thing in the world and you...we..." he let his voice trail off. In all honesty, he didn't want the Norwegian to know what they'd done together in his dream. It might ruin the moment.

Still, Toki didn't let go. He swallowed down the nervousness that was building up inside him and asked quietly, "It's confusing, huh? Wanting someones who you knows you can never haves."

Pickles met his crystal blue gaze. "I can't have you?"

He bit his lip shyly. "I guess you coulds if you really wanteds...I'm not that great, though. Maybe you should try to dreams of someone better?" it was a timid question, one that the drummer answered by leaning forward and gifting Toki with a kiss on the lips.

"You're all I want right now."

"What abouts later?"

He shrugged and kissed him again. "I think you'll do, dude." Toki smiled at this and allowed Pickles to walk him over to his bed. "But we cant's dos it! Skwisgaar, I still ams with him."

The drummer arched a brow. "D'you really, really wanna be with him?"

"Well no, buts I need someone to fuck." he turned red and added, "I've been dreamings about you a _lots."_

Pickles felt a warm feeling spread thru his stomach all the way to his chest. "Don't think about him now, just be with me." he laid Toki out on the bed and kissed his forehead. "Just think of me."

He kissed the guitarist deeply then, like he had in his dream a few nights ago. It was a surprisingly fiery kiss, one that made Toki's cheeks blaze with color. Pickles loved him like this, looking so curious and shy, so he deepened it, let his tongue enter and explore the Norwegian's mouth. They pulled away, but their lips met again and again in a glorious explosion of repressed emotions. Pickles had to have him, had to feel him naked and had to hear him beg for release...he had to be with Toki then and only then, forever and longer.

The moment was ruined by a sharp knock on the door. Toki sat up, pushed Pickles off of him, and his eyes grew wide. "It's probably Skwisgaar wondering where I ams. What are we goings to do?"

"Let me take care of it, dude." Pickles jumped off the bed, went to open the door, and stared at the Swede. "Heya, what's up?"

Skwisgaar looked utterly confused. "What ammnest you doing in Toki's room?"

"Oh, y'know...just messin' around."

"Just doings _what?"_

Pickels grinned at him and repeated casually, "Y'know, just fuckin' around."

The Swede tried to push past him into the room, but he stopped him and held him back. Behind the drummer, Toki watched with a worried expression. Pickles didn't care, though. This was their moment and nobody was going to ruin it for him. He took a deep breath and howled as loudly as he could, "I'M GONNA LET TOKI WARTOOTH FUCK MY BRAINS OUT!" he slammed the door in Skwisgaar's face and let out a content sigh. "Well," he turned back to the guitarist. "Let's do it, I guess."

"How could you say thats? Oh my Gods, you ams so embarrassing!"

He shrugged nonchalantly and kissed Toki's forehead. "Least he won't bother us again, right? And besides, I love you when you're embarrassed; you're adorable."

"Buts..."

"C'mon, don't worry about it. Just lemme take care of everything, okay?"

"Okays."

"Good, now come on, babe." he lead Toki back over to the bed, but not before locking the door.

Once he was lying down, the guitarist asked, "What did you just calls me?"

"Babe, 'cause you're mine, and 'dats what I wanna call you." he kissed him lightly and smiled. "Is that okay?"

"Ja," he breathed. "it ams perfect." They kissed some more, but gradually a new question came into his mind. "Pickle?"

"Um hmm?" he asked, running a hand thru Toki's beautiful, shining hair.

"What abouts your party? Don't you have to gos to it?"

He laughed and kissed his cheek. "Are you kiddin'? Why the fuck would I trade a night with you-"

"More than a nights, Pickle."

"Well why would I trade that for anything in the world? C'mere." he pulled Toki closer to him and let his hands travel down the small of his back and down to his ass. "You wanna fuck me?"

"Ja."

"You know how?"

"I thinks so..."

"Good." he brushed his lips lightly across the guitarist's. His hand went around and grabbed the zipper of Toki's pants. "Get naked for me, babe." He stripped off his shirt, let Pickles put lay hands on his hips. "You're amazing, y'know?" Pickles kissed Toki's stomach and breathed hotly, "So damn perfect."

And within a few minutes there were both naked, and Pickles was smiling up at Toki. He felt the Norwegian's throbbing erection pressing against his thigh, felt the hot wanting, but said nothing. He just held the guitarist and kissed him, knowing that when Toki was ready he'd go thru with it. He was nervous, scared shitless, though. "P-Pickle," he said, pulling the sheets up to cover his nakedness. "I can'ts..."

"Yes you can. Look, just trust me." he uncovered Toki and touched his bare skin. "You're perfect. What're you so nervous about?"

"I thoughts that you—when did you likes me?"

"I've always liked you."

"Why did you lets me feel so bad about loving you, then?"

Pickles frowned and said seriously, "I was stupid and dumb. I took you for granted, figured 'dat you'd always love me and look at me with those eyes...amazing eyes." he pressed a hand to Toki's cheek and whispered. "I love your eyes, y'know. C'mon, babe, fuck me and let me see those eyes on fire. Just do it already, I'm so tired of just dreaming, let's just really do it."

Toki ran his hands down the drummer's flat, warm stomach, treasured the perfect figure and the feeling of skin beneath his fingers. Pickles shuttered and cursed. "Shit, you're gonna make me come just by touchin' me like that..."

"No, waits!" he let out a ragged breath, kissed him one more time, and sat up. He put his erection in the drummer's hand and whispered, "Makes me hard?"

He stroked Toki quickly and easily, feeling the sweet slickness of the guitarist's pre-cum. "S'feels good, huh?"

Toki moaned and nodded, let Pickles run his thumb along the head of his cock. "Ja, just likes I dreamed."

"Only better." he agreed, smiling. He felt his own erection grow and Toki felt it to; he looked down and smiled.

"I thinks I'm ready."

"Then do it, babe." he sighed, let his body relax as Toki positioned himself. "Gad, I love you. I love you so fuckin' much. We're gonna be together forever. We're gonna just lay here and fuck each other all day tomorrow, until you can't do it no more."

Toki entered him with a moan, and Pickles felt himself give in and tense up under the pleasure of it all. When a little pain came, he hissed and made himself relax. The Norwegian hesitated, sensing his pain. "Ams I okay?"

"You're amazing. Keep going, babe."

And he did, never again wavering or ceasing. He went into Pickles and moaned. Being inside the drummer was so wonderful, so unremarkable good. Toki felt himself about to climax, so he slowed down and instead focused his attention on Pickles' pleasure. Without shame, he took the drummer's erection in his hand and began stroking and rubbing. Pickles moaned and shifted under him, begged for more. In his mind Toki flashed back to his dream and remembered how well they had gone together. They'd been perfect for each other, just like now. It was like there wasn't anything else in the whole world—the fame was gone, the money and drugs and booze were unimportant. The only thing that was real and not artificial was them.

Pickles moaned and cursed. "Dude, slow down. There isn't a rush..."

"Sorrys."

"Don't be." he kissed Toki and shut his eyes. "You're good."

"Open your eyes, Pickle." he whispered, going further into the drummer than he thought possible. "So you can sees my eyes, just likes you said."

Pickles did, and when he did Toki saw all the passion and affection that was blazing in those endless stars of green. "T-Toki, I love you." his body went rigid and he let his head fall back into the soft mattress of the bed.

"I loves you to, Pickle." he panted, feeling himself about to be pushed to the edge again.

This time he knew there would be no way to ease back and hold himself; it was irreversible. Pickles let out a cry of surrender and began moving his hips along with Toki's right before he climaxed. Feeling that sticky warmth forming between them, the Norwegian looked down and saw creamy whiteness dripping from the head of Pickles' cock. This was it, this is what had been missing. _This,_ what he had right now. He needed it, craved it, wouldn't be able to go on without feeling or seeing that again. He couldn't stand it anymore, and within another moment he was climaxing as well, letting himself go with a last whimper of ecstasy.

When he was spent, he was trembling and breathing hard. Pickles smiled up at him, wiped away a bead of sweat that was dripping down his face. "You..." what could he say? Nothing. There was nothing that needed to be said, so he just pulled Toki down into his arms and held him there, sweating, exhausted, and dripping with the drummer's cum.

"Ams you still likes me, even though we-"

"Shut up, babe." he pressed his naked body closer to the Norwegian's.

Toki smiled and stared at him with those pale eyes, those amazing, shining blue suns. That same old innocence was there, that old childish wonderment towards the world still reflected in their endless waves of emotion; now there was love there, too, and an unyielding, almost painful affection. Pickles didn't deserve this, did he? He didn't deserve to wake up every day and look into those pale planets of such broad and expansive blue...still, he wouldn't deny them. He wouldn't deny anything about Toki, never again.

But now there was something else on his mind. Carefully he observed the sheen on Toki's perfectly brown hair and whispered, "Y'know what I found today?"

"Whats?" he closed his eyes and rested his head against the drummer's chest.

"A gray hair."

Toki's breath caught in his chest. He sighed in annoyance. "Ams you serious? You're stills worried about that?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

He chuckled. "Remembers when you said when you were my age you hads dreams about sex all the times?"

He nodded. "Yeah, so?"

"You still dreams of fucking me, so I guess we ams not that much different, huh?"

Pickles thought about this and shook his head. "No, I'm still too old."

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**Chapter 5, Part 2  
**_**The Next Morning **_

The next day when Toki awoke he was alone in the bed. He was still naked, but had been covered by the sheets on his bed. They were disgusting, though, still holding some of the evidence from the night before. A look of revolution came across his face as he sat up and looked around his room. Pickles was gone? His heart fell, but in a moment the redhead was coming into the room, a broad smile on his face as he presented Toki a plate of food.

"What, you thought I left you alone?"

He bit his lip shyly and answered quietly, "Maybes."

"After we just made love?"

"Maybe."

"Well you're a dumbass then, babe. Look." he handed the plate to Toki and said proudly, "Gat you breakfast!"

"Thanks, Pickle." he said, picking at it with the fork. "You ams really great."

"And _this." _he brought something out from behind his back and held it out to the Norwegian. "Found it outside and just went and picked it. S'nice, huh?"

It was a rose, a full and bloomed one. Toki's pale eyes grew wide as he took the flower and smelled it; he half expected it to smell like that special spiced rum that Pickles loved so much, but it didn't. In the cup that the drummer placed on the nightstand next to him, though, there was that red, spicy drink. He felt his heart filling with love for Pickles, and smiled up at him.

"I did good?" he asked almost fearfully.

"Ja," Toki nodded. "you dids amazing."

"Good, 'cause you know I ain't never really stayed with someone after I fucked them."

"Ja, I knows."

"But I'm staying with you for a _long _time." he grinned and added, "Can't get rid of me, I guess. Sucks for you, huh?"

"No." Toki said, smelling the rose again. "It ams perfect for me."

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**Chapter 5, Part 3  
**_**Twisted Together**_

They talked for a while, but Toki still couldn't forget the comment Pickles had made last night about his age, so he excused himself and went to Skiwsgaar's room. He knocked on the door and waited until the Swede answered.

"Oh...hey, Tokis." he scratched his head awkwardly and gave him a little smile. "How ammnest you doings?"

"Good."

"You two...um...Pickle yelled at mes yesterday."

He nodded. "Ja, I knows."

"Oh." there was a moment of awkward silence before Skwisgaar moved aside and motioned for him to come in. "I guess if you wants, you know..." Toki entered his room.

"Thanks. Listens, I was wonderings if you—ams you mad at me?"

The Swede thought for a moment then shook his head. "No, I really did wants you to be happy with him, and I guess I sorts of knew I was just someone you were usings to get your mind off hims." he ran a hand thru his long, golden hair and swallowed. "I'm happy that you two ammenst together, reallys."

"You don't _sound _that happys."

"Don't push it, Tokis. I was really looking forward to fuckings you last night."

He blushed. "Listen, I was wonderings if I could use some of that stuff you use to dyes your hair with—what color ams it?"

Skwisgaar arched a brow. "You wants to dye your hair blond like mines?"

Toki grinned and nodded. "Ja, ams that would be okay? Just for a littles while?"

"Well I guess sos, but why?" and his face paled in fear. "Ams you going to tells everyone I dyes it? Haves you told anyone yet?"

The Norwegian gasped. "Nos, of course not! Just 'cause you ams afraid to have gray hair..."

It was true. Being in _Dethklok _was a stressful thing, and it had caused the young Swede to already develop a few gray hairs. The Swede was rather vain, and had believed that this would sort of ruin his sex-God image, so he dyed the hell out of his head of beautiful hair every weekend in secret. It was an odd habit, but surely enough every Saturday he would lock himself in his room for an hour and that was it.

Skwisgaar gave Toki an odd look and stated, "But you don't haves no gray hair."

"That ams the _point!"_

"This ammnest about Pickle, huh?"

"Ja."

"And hims whole age thing?"

"Yeps."

The Swede sighed heavily and went into his bathroom. He brought out a box of hair dye and handed it to Toki with an almost sad, contemplative look on his face. "But your hair ammnest so beautifuls _now. _Please don't dos it."

"I've got to do what I have to dos." and he took the dye and asked, "Could you helps me? I don't know how to...you knows..."

"Ja, sures. Gos in my bathroom." he glanced in the mirror at his own hair and searched for any sign of fault in the blond. "I'll be there in a seconds."

In the time span of an hour, Toki's chocolatey brown hair went to straight, bleach-blond. When it was done, Skwisgaar nearly let out a sob and threw the box of dye aside. "Why did you makes me dos 'dat? You looks sos stupid! It was fines before, so what ammnest the points of this?"

"Exactly that ams the point!" Toki exclaimed. _"It was fines before!" _and he jumped up, kissed the Swede's cheek, and thanked him. He hurried back to his room to where Pickles was waiting for him. The drummer was sprawled out on his bed watching T.V., but when he saw the now blond Toki, remote fell from his hand.

"Dude, what the fuck happened? You were only gan for an hour an' now your all _Skwisgaar-ish."_

"So you hates it?" he asked, fingering some of his now blond hair. Pickles' green eyes grew wide.

"Well no, but I—it's still cool, but-"

"So you don't gives a fuck if I gots brown hair or blonds?"

"No, but what the fuck are you talkin' about?" he got up and slowly walked over to Toki, a hand outstretched; gently he touched his cheek, a look of disbelief on his face. "You're all bright and blond and crap now."

"But you still loves me, right?"

"Of course I do! Nothing you ever do could change 'dat!"

"Exactlys, so who ams the one complaining abouts gray hair?"

Pickels looked down in almost childish shame. "Oh, right. It's about that. Well _that's _different. I-"

Toki gave him a skeptical look. "How ams it so different? Don't you loves me no matter what I looks like?"

"Well yeah, but-"

"So why can't you believes that I loves you no matter what you looks like?"

" 'Cause I'm-"

He narrowed his eyes at the drummer. "I swears to God, if you says it ams because you're _old, _then I'm going to leaves you right now."

Pickles' eyes filled with fear. "No, but..."

"Listen," Toki said, kissing his cheek. "it ams time for _me _to talk. I loves you, every part of you, so what ams the big deal if you're a little bit older thans me? Who gives a fuck? Age ams a stupid thing to worry about; it changes every year!"

The drummer gave him a little reassured smile. "So you really swear to Gad that you don't care?"

He rolled his eyes. "Nos, of course I don'ts, you idiot!"

Pickles reached for Toki's hand. "You really had to dye your fuckin' hair to make me understand 'dat?"

"Ja."

"Then I guess I'm a total idiot."

He nodded and said jokingly, "That ams what I'm trying to tell you! You're so God damns stupid."

"Can I still have a kiss?" Toki smiled and brushed his lips against the drummer's. He let Pickles hug him close and whisper, "So we're cool, right?"

"Ja, always."

He grinned and played with some of the guitarist's new bright hair. "This is kinda perfect, huh?"

"Better thans perfect." Toki whispered, his eyes traveling back over to the rose. It was still sitting on his nightstand, so beautiful and perfect in its blooming fullness. There was something tainting that simple beauty, though. It was the stem, which was twisted and thorny—_wretched._ Pickles squeezed Toki's hand and the little smile that was on the Norwegian's face grew.

He himself may be wrong and wretched, and what he and Pickles had may be odd and twisted, but what did it really matter? He had come to face the brutal fact that he wasn't _normal—_or what most people defined as normal—but he didn't care. He was twisted, but at least he had someone to be twisted with.

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****A/N****

**And that's it, that's the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, because you are amazing and other people only wish they could be as awesome as you are. [^_^] Oh, and yes, I know I quote _Civil Twilight_ songs a lot, but that's because they're beautiful and they really do fit the story. Yes, more Pickles/Toki stuff coming up from me—_lots _more. I also hope you liked the sex scene thingy. It's been a while since I've typed one.**

**Peace & Love**

**[Pickles + Toki = SEXINESS]**


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